Christmas and Separated Families

There are a as many ways to skin a cat as there are to work out the right way to make arrangements which will suit the whole family over Christmas.

It’s a period within the divorce and separation circles which is fraught with emotion and the willingness to let go of being the one who plays Santa Claus is stretched on many levels.

I’ve written a guest post for Kathryn McTaggart – The Separated Family’s 12 Days of Christmas – a survival guide.

Staying Together for the Children

This morning I was asked to comment on a BBC Three Counties radio programme about whether or not parents should remain together for the sake of the children.  The programme was reporting on the article in the Daily Mail today which states that half of all children born today will see their parents split up before they are 16 – that’s before the children are 16, not the parents.

I have consistently set out to help couples work together to either help them communicate and respect one another by building relating skills, or to end their relationship as an agreed way forward.  Unless some action is taken by you then it is more than likely you will enter another relationship without learning the lessons you need to stop the spin cycle.

There will be far fewer divorces if people get together and have children for the right reasons.  If you are already married, and finding it challenging, there is still an opportunity to get the help you need.  The first step is in helping people address their relating skills.

Each person in this world is entitled to happiness and peace.   Most people have no idea how to find it.  It’s not like you can go to your nearest superstore and walk up to the right aisle and pick it off the shelf.

To find peace of mind and happiness in your relationship you need to start with yourself.  It’s very rarely about the other person.

If I knew in my marriage what I know now about love and relating, my life would have taken a different route.  It might still have involved divorce, and if it had, it would have been a much gentler process.

If you want to avoid recurring relationship breakdowns …. get in touch and let’s see if you can improve your relating skills and stop the rot before it’s too late.

Mr Angry and Miss Fear

D’you know that one of the most challenging aspects of my work is getting women to admit that they’re angry and men to admit that they’re scared.

Mr Angry, Miss Fear

It seems to be that anger isn’t seemly in women and is kind of drummed out of them at a very young age. Men are meant to be able to cope with everything and aren’t afraid of anything.

What a load of twaddle, don’t you think?

Girls, think of when you say you’re sad or hurt – how much of that is actually anger that you are mis-naming?

Guys when you get angry is it really that you’re afraid of something?

These emotions are so important to identify. They are there for different reasons.

Anger points out to you that you aren’t being loved enough – either by yourself or someone else. You can easily replace love with other words such as respect or support if the ‘love’ word is a bit too out there at the moment – I remember it was for me!

There is no point in using anger to sort out your fears – it is much more useful to get in touch and admit to being afraid and know what it is you are really scared might happen.

If you keep anger and lose fear it’s a dangerous combination. The first thing to go therefore has to be anger. And if you think you aren’t angry just look for other words – frustrated, annoyed, pi**ed off, cross etc. If you think they’re not afraid then just see what it is that’s driving them – usually a fear of lack of something – love, rejection, acceptance, having enough, money, kids

Try adding some words into these template sentence

I get so angy when s/he does that because it makes me feel (fill in with your words) and that means that I am (fill in with your words)

I am scared when s/he does that because it makes me feel (fill in with your own words) and that means that I am (fill in with your words)

Note: I’ve worked with a wide array of people, including adventure explorers, guys who are the strongest, bravest and most courageous people … and 9/10 when we’ve got into the anger, it’s been a fear.

The Divorce Coach Advice

Listen to me talking with Sonia Deol of BBC Asian Network this week.  It’s a Q & A of divorce questions – I come in around 1.20, just move the slider along till you hit that number.

After Divorce – there is hope

Great article in the Huffington Post from Divorce Candy where they asked Facebook users how to address life post divorce.

This was my comment -

Pay more attention to yourself than the divorce itself. Be brutally honest with yourself and ask for help.

Read more of the article here – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/randi-small-and-jen-schwartz/need-proof-theres-life-af_b_707024.html

The Divorce Coach on BBC Radio

Today I had the pleasure and honour to join Sonia Deol on BBC Radio Asian Network.   We discussed many aspects of divorce and answered listeners questions.

Divorce and the emotions involved do not choose a culture or a colour, these are heartfelt emotions felt by everyone. There was some fantastic feedback on my Twitter wall -

Jackie Walker The Divorce Coach On Air

I will post the link to the iPlayer version of the show when I have it to hand.

Divorce advice for school holidays

“Oh heck – here they are again”,  is what goes through many parents minds when holidays are mentioned, isn’t it! How to juggle kids and work and keep everyone happy.  We divorcees are no different – or are we!?

Well, a lot depends on what kind of childcare arrangements are in place and what has been agreed about holidays. I know some folk who see their kids just for 2 weeks in the summer and the rest of the time the parent with care is in charge of all the juggling, out of hours care, day camps, sending to grandparents, and other family members.   Other families have a very open door and flexible policy. Others have a rigid structure.  There’s no right or wrong.  But there’re bound to be useful ideas for us all to share!

From the outset in my own situation, we agreed that holidays would be split 50/50 – and in the most part that seems to work, EXCEPT when I think about it.

So I’ve been thinking today, hence the blog!  Four weeks with each parent and only telephone contact in between – it’s a long time isn’t it?  Last night at 9.46pm (roughly) I said good bye to my daughters after their end of term concert until I see them again at the end of July. I’ve learned to control my emotions now after 5 years and can do it with great equanimity and with a smile and joke – it seems to keep everyone happy … until I get in my car with the knowing that I have 4 whole weeks to do whatever I want, with whoever I want and however I want, or I can be lonely and purposeless – and for a while I feel a bit lost, not knowing which of the two to choose.

Sometimes that kind of freedom is scary – when did you last have 4 weeks completely to yourself? What did you do with it?  Did you think – ‘brilliant I can knuckle down to some serious work now’, or did you think up some adventures to go on?

It’s highly unusual for couples still together to understand this sense of either emptiness or gay abandon – and very often they are jealous of what they perceive the freedom to be.  I can fully appreciate their thought process – and I now take full advantage of my ‘alone’ time.  But it wasn’t always that way – even a day or two was strange to begin with – and then a week loomed into focus and then four whole weeks.
The worst bit is that I know my kids will expect me to take my holidays to coincide with theirs so little chance of gadding off alone for a month!   Work still has to play a huge part during my ‘free’ time – how do you deal with it?

Business Basics for Love Lives

I like to wonder out loud and I like to get an understanding of how other people work – I think we’re just complicated systems, a bit like a computer with different software programmes, hardware etc.

This morning when I was out walking the dog, the thought came to me – as they usually do at that time in the morning, do you find thoughts coming to you at the same times every day? Anyway, there I was walking through the fields, all quiet and peaceful and suddenly, out of nowhere came this strange thought

‘Do people view their love life in the same way as they look at their business and what would happen if they did?’

Now, bearing in mind the work I do, I tend to spend time with people who are short on love. Well they’re not actually, it’s just the love of a significant other and often that’s half the problem – there’s so much more to love than one significant person isn’t there – you’ve got friends, children, family, yourself, God/universe/spirit (whatever you like to call it). But most folk really want and need a significant other in their lives and that’s for all sorts of reasons, part of which is being human!

I question how we look at that significant other though – if we take the opportunity to view our relationships in the same context as business -

• Would you look to your key customer and supplier and treat them without respect – no you wouldn’t.
• Would you run your business without goals, marketing, targets, advertising, PR, staff and customers – eh, no I don’t think so.
• Would you be able to succeed in business without communicating – ha ha ha
• Would you be able to serve your customers if you didn’t know what their needs were – unlikely
• If there was a gap in your market would you try and fill it – probably
• Do you allow for feedback from directors, managers, staff – yes, it’s perfectly normal

If you let that rumble around for a wee while then take a minute or an hour and think about your relationship – past, present or future – what do you do that can be improved?  What training do you need to be a better partner?

Divorce advice for Dead ends

There are times in life when it feels like we’re entering into an Alice in Wonderland scene – we haven’t got a clue what’s going on around us, everything seems to be topsy turvy, everything has taken on a new meaning and nothing looks like it should – does that strike a chord or maybe you can close your eyes and just picture what I’m saying and how it is relevant in your own life.

It’s a very unsettling and generally uncomfortable place to be, we’re used to 1 + 1 making 2 and suddenly even the maths don’t add up.  Whatever you believe or think, there’s a counter argument and case for it.  It pushes you to go along new paths which you just might not have wanted to.

This weekend the sun shone – at last,  I might add.  My dog, Miga – she’s a blonde 10 year old labrador, and I went for a walk on Saturday – we made it a long walk as I was trying to save petrol and needed to get some things from the shops.   Having made it to the shops I was disheartened to find that they didn’t have what I needed.  Rather than dwelling on my disappointment at not being able to make what I’d planned for dinner, Miga and I set off back along our tracks for home.  Only I decided that I could take the opportunity to go home a different way – one I’d never seen before.

At the bottom of the steps, there was a doorway (no door) to a path running alongside the river and it looked so inviting and it looked like it was headed in the right direction – after 10 minutes, the path stopped abruptly.  We had no choice but to retrace our steps back to the door, and when nearly there, I found another path, slightly higher up the hill and so we took that one – it ran in parallel to the first one, and was well laid out, with edges – wey hey, this is going the right way and we continued walking.

We came across a huge tree which had fallen over the path and there was nothing for it but to clamber up on top – I used the ivy like a stirrup and swung my leg over like mounting a horse – and on we wandered.  A bit further along, there was another huge tree and once again we had to negotiate our way up and over.  Just a few steps later and I was amazed, the path stopped – just stopped.

Now I could think that it went nowhere, but it did go somewhere it just didn’t go where I expected it to!  And it also didn’t go to somewhere I thought was particularly useful.  Long and short – we had to retrace our steps again, although half way along the return journey I found another path with steps which took me up and out and onto the main road.

Everything you do and everywhere you go adds to your knowledge, it helps you make the next decision.  If you are in don’t know land, it’s ok to start exploring your options, it’s ok to follow things and find they are a dead end, it’s ok to retrace your steps.  If you only stick to the way you know, you’ll never find out how many other ways there are, nor get to do things just because.

Sometimes practising this is a bit of a challenge – so set yourself a goal to go for a walk, not knowing where you’re going when you set out.  Only when you reach each turning or crossroads or dead end, make a decision as to whether to continue straight on, turn left, right or retrace.   Practising not having a known outcome can be very liberating and gives you an enormous sense of fun, exploration and achievement as the newness of what you’re doing seeps in and allows you to relax into not needing to know everything.

Who Hears what in Divorce?

I consider myself lucky to still have kids young enough to enjoy the Disney/Pixar etc films because it gives me an excuse to settle down and get the ‘other’ message which is so often running through them.

If you haven’t seen Horton hears a Who, it’s well worth investing a fiver to go and see it – whatever age you are! Horton questions the very meaning of existence – what if we are just a speck. What if there is something much bigger than us which makes a difference to our world. Horton is the big thing and he goes out of his way to save the speck world from disaster – coming up against all sorts of dangers and evils on his way.

My daughter asked me which bit I liked best and I could instantly identify two key bits

- when he crosses a rickety rope bridge and has to adopt two new strategies – one fill himself with air (it nearly worked but he ran out of breath) and then the second – he kept looking up and out because to look down all he could see was inevitable disaster. When he reaches the other side in one piece he does a dance because he’s feeling so happy – and then he wonders to himself if it’s because he now has a purpose.

- when he steadfastly sticks to his truth even against the onslaught of the whole jungle. As always is the case in these films, the ending is perfect – all the other animals suddenly heard what he heard and he was free. The really nice touch was that he held no grudge against the main perpetrator of his near downfall and understood that she was only doing the best she could with what she believed to be true.

Horton taught much of what I teach – how to believe in yourself, finding those who do believe in you, to have a purpose, to question your reality, and lastly you are never too big or too small to learn how to do something new even if it seems like climbing Everest just now.